Monday, 29 April 2013

El Sali-The God of my Strength

Daily in Your Presence(Day 117)

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

FROM THE FATHER'S HEARTMy child, your shoulders are drooping. Have you been trying to carry your own burdens again? Come to Me. My arms are strong. Let Me have your load. We are a team, remember? Relying on your own strength will only propel you into discouragement and physical exhaustion. Meekness is something I will give you, if you will rest in Me.
A GRATEFUL RESPONSELord, most of my yokes are self-made, heavy burdens of my own choosing. I can learn from Your example of meekness. It is not weakness but controlled strength that can carry the world's burdens on its back, all at the same time. Thank You for Your meekness.
When the burdens of life get too heavy to bear, for the rest of the journey, He'll carry us there.

I am delighted.My friend says I dont exhibit that 'stress-ness' like how I used to be months ago.
*eventhough it is seven days away from my exam now*
I read Jim Cymbala's 'Fresh Faith' and decided that I dont wanna let Satan steal that faith away from me.
That childlike trust in my Father to walk by my side and the belief that He controls my future.
The belief that He is with me, will be with me, even as I prepare and study, even as I sit in the exam hall writing furiously for 3 hours.
In law, we learn a lot on foreseeability of the future, like actions of the defendant or the victims.
So I right now apply my knowledge*laughs* and I foresee that in everything that I do, the Lord will be with me.
The Lord does what He wills, and I have faith that everything is in His perfect plans.
I want to have faith in my Father.
I tell you it is a hard thing to do, esp for someone like me, who is a control maniac and a boss-zila.
I like to plan things through and take caution in every step that I take.
But the Lord helps and strengthens, because I am weak in my own strength.

He will see me through this madness.
Life is a mess.Really a mess.
But when I admit my frailty and ask my Father to provide me with strength, He answers.
And I believe that His plans are better than mine. :
Romans 8 :28(NLT)
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Genesis 50:20 (KJV)
But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

(I will persevere, the Lord will work in His time, and I shall see His purpose come to past.)

That was part of what the pastor preached last Sunday.

On a side note, I kinda feel relieved when I express my intention to resign,
I surrender them all to the Lord, they are His sheep.He is the shephard.
I cant do much by worrying.I can only pray.
And the Lord will rescue them, in His time.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Torn Apart---Tears of Frustration

Yes.I visited one of my friend's church.
And honestly, I love.The worship was awesome-r, the message was energy-er, and the youths were talk-able.
Stop stop stop.Don't tell me to not compare.
Because I right now have all the valid reasons to 'shift' church.
All I'm doing now is waiting for God to answer me.

This is bad.
If you ask me personally, I want to change the place where I'm worshiping.
Really, I do.
Okay, I'm a bit agitated now because something happened again.Yes.Again.
See?Too often.I sometimes wonder why am I agitated.Do I even have valid reasons.
Am I the one who has the problem.
Truth is, it has became a task, a mechanical, boring, forced labour.
I feel dreaded to go there.No joy, no love,no peace.

ISH.STUCK here.Smack in the middle.I want to leave.Everytime I join in, in less than few minutes of talking with them, I wanna bail out already.

Yet on the other hand, sometimes I look at them and they seem pitiful.
Left out, alone.I wanna walk this out with them you know.

So I'm praying, and listening.If God says to stay I will stay.He will give me strength to do so.
But this is it.Right now is another one of those 'frus' moments.

Friday, 19 April 2013

O Me of Little Faith

Spent my book voucher yesterday at Popular, Summit. 
And bought this little board to paste on the wall, so it's facing me directly when I sit beside my study table.
Nah..took a picture of it.

As you can see, have not started to decorate it or anything like that.
But transferred all the post-it notes which was previously on the whitewashed wall. ;)

Anyway, my point is that, I was reading a book and then got bored.
So I started reading the notes and spot this :

Every display of talent is a testament, not to the person who has the gift, but to the Creator who gave the gift.
It's the Lord who gave you that gift and so the Lord expects you to work that gift for His glory.Col 3:23

Many times I forgot that it's for His glory.An act of worship.
Many times I look at the surrounding waters and feel afraid, scared.Just like Peter.
Time after time the Lord did miracles in front of the disciples.
Time after time the Lord came through for me, even when I don't see Him nor sense Him.

I was the keyboard-ist for the christian fellowship today in college.
And the songs that the songleader chose were unheard of, by me.
We only ran through the songs once for practice.
But I wasn't able to grasp, like how does the song flow and sometimes I freeze, searching for the part that they're singing, cause I only had chords on the first verse and chorus.And the songs were hymns-like so we had like 4 verses and they weren't neatly arranged.
So I started worrying.Like what if I play halfway and then got stuck again?
Plus 2 of the 3 songs were 3beat songs and it wasn't an area I was comfortable with.
I wanted to pull out.But the team didnt allow.And one of them said I was 撒娇-ing.==
I was really worrying.Like what if I messed up again.(Note: it's 'again', meaning I've messed up before)
I felt like I couldn't play, or won't be able to play well.
Aiyoh.Banyak doubts la.
But do you see the problem?
I wasn't able to trust God.Aiyoh.After all, this little knowledge I have of the piano, it's God-given.And I'm worrying that I'm not good enough for the audience.==
I did continue though  and throughout the whole worship session I was able to play, quite smoothly.( I can't say very smooth cause I did freeze during one of the songs trying to find which part they're singing lol)
But it was better than expected lah.

I'm sorry, Lord, for not trusting You again.Forgive me.
And I'm grateful that You are merciful enough to see me through.
Your grace is sufficient for me.


This period of exam preparation is taking it's toll on me.
Really.There are just so many things to memorise.
Note: I said memorise. Not read. In law, it's true that you have to memorise a lot.
And a lot of it is abstract-like.It's totally different from reading science.Science(talking about my spm experience) is one subject where you can imagine the object itself.Law is different. Ask a law student and 80% will tell you they regret reading law,a teeny weeny bit.
Anyway, when time closes in on me, I suddenly feel like I couldn't remember what I memorised the day before!So I started panicking, and really, there are a lot of topics to cover.No kidding.
So I sent out messages to my christian friends who are also preparing for exam, and then one of them reminded me of the times when God pulled me through.
And that's like a click!
Oh what little faith I have.
For God to somehow see me through the ups and downs of life this two decades(yes, I'm twenty) and still not trust Him.
So my human strength and will is weak. But I draw strength from the Lord.
Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
And I'm still learning.Trust me, it's tough when you have a mountain load of books piled up in front of you.
But you know what, my life will be a testament.
The Lord will guide me, like always.
He is my Rock.
Jeremiah 3:33 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.


Wednesday, 10 April 2013

The Intellectual Part of Faith

'This is why faith, or at least the intellectual part faith, scares me a little bit. Because when it comes to theology, I feel like I'm constantly trying to strike this delicate balance. On one side of the balance is "figuring it out" and feeling safe, but being subsequently bored with my faith. While on the other side there are questions and uncertainties that keep me moving and guessing, but also leave me with an underlying worry that challenges to my faith might make me lose it altogether.'

Now, this woman is amazing. I read the article and felt like shouting 'Me!Me!Me too.'
Yes.I can totally understand it when she says that.
All the seemingly 'new' ideas that present a huge challenge to my current 'faith' foundation esp the theology part.
Feels like 'O God, don't tell me everything I once believed in was wrong all the while!'
Please do it slowly. I need to take this one step at a time.

''' I felt God remind me that it was okay for me to be uncertain, to admit I didn't have it all put together, and to occasionally, or often, change my perspective. I didn't have to feel ashamed for wondering, for asking, or for seeing things in a new way. I didn't have to feel afraid.

My ideas might shift about who God is, or how He works, or how Church is "supposed" to be, but He is the same yesterday, today and forever.''

Friday, 5 April 2013

If You Ask Me What I Think...

Okay, I just feel a need to pen down, here, whatever that is in my head.
I'm gonna be just truthful, and as honest and straightforward as I can.Although I know that they might feel like I'm criticizing them, if they ever do stumble upon this post.
But of course not, I'm not doing so. I'm just penning down my thoughts, what I think about all the discussions that we had.

I just don't like it.I don't know, it could be my problem.
But I don't like the way they seem to, in my opinion, come up with a whole new lot of things that seems right, backed with evidence from the bible that seems to challenge everything that I believed in.I could be wrong.All the beliefs I held on to,could be wrong.I don't feel good, I don't feel enlightened, like'Ahhh, something has opened up to reveal some kinda truth to me.'
Honestly, it was all confusing to me.
Like I was here and yet there. Both parties seemed right, both parties seems to know what they are talking about.So I don't know where I stand.

But I really don't find a need to distinguish between Calvinism and Arminians.
I don't feel a need to determine who is wrong is who is right.We are all human.Of course, we could read some verse and go like 'Oh, God appears to me and points out the right path.'I mean, okay, if that is so, if you think that it really is God telling you, then go ahead.Believe it.
I think God works in many different ways.Reveals Himself to people in different methods.
God may shed more light in certain characters of Him, like some may experience joy more than other values in their life.Some may experience love, His love, much more than other  things like peace etc etc.I think it's different for people.
People's needs are, I think it doesn't matter as to whether He love us ALL, or love us, SOME, only some.I mean, it's his choice, whether He chose to love those with Maggi Mee hair or those with jet black straight hair.
But we share a common ground, we know that He loved us, we claim ourselves to be 'saved'.But we also agree our job is to spread the good news to the world.(The Great Commission)
Whether He love some people or not, it doesnt matter or affect our job to proclaim that He is God, the Lord of the universe.
So why the need to distinguish if people are reformed or not?
Why the need to distinguish whether you are Calvinist or Arminians?
Why the need to know who is right, or wrong?
We know He loved you and I, and chose us.We wanna love him back.These are fundamental principles.Could never go wrong, so much that we wanna share it to people around us.We wanna spread the love, that could never go wrong, right?
so why the need to go like' Oh you are right in this?She are wrong?'
Unless God expressly says so, say that the answer is A, not B.
Again, I might be wrong in these.I'm just penning down my thoughts.

Then we talked about the role of a woman in a church.Like, the senior pastor post, should belong to a man instead of woman.Yes, equality,but not in this context.
I think it is not our job to judge if a particular person is doing it right or wrong.Because we don't know, we are looking from a third party's point of view. For all you know, God might have gone and personally reveal to that woman that she is to take up the job.That job could be meant for her.
If God feels a man need to be raise to be the head and leader of it, then God could've have done so.He will fill that space.But if God feels that the woman is capable, God wants to use her instead of a man, then who are you to say 'No, God should follow the age old tradition of using a man as the leader.
We don't know, we just don;t know, there are just so many loopholes and grey areas.But God knows, His plan is perfect.It is our job to obey God, when God ask you to lead, you lead, when God says you submit to another person, you submit.If God sees the need, He will fill it.
Our job is just to obey and follow His instructions.
I don't have the right to point fingers and judge.Really, I don't.
Also, I don't think there is a need to classify these as biblical, or unbiblical.
Because we don;t know.It isn't as clear as 'You shall not murder.'
For all I know, those people whom I think is doing it all wrong, could have been right, their hearts could've been right with God, and it is all that matters, right?

But God is gracious.We are human.We all err.
Of course, it is not an excuse to continue doing so,I'm just saying that if God has put in in your heart that certain things must be done certain way, then please do so.This is about you and God.But if not, then stop the arguments about who is right, who is wrong.
Soemtimes, I do think that when I try to get someone to support and believe in what I say, it might be pride.
Who am I?I am not God.My wisdom and knowledge are limited.
So why the need to do so?Why the need to prove that you are right, absolutely right, and the other is wrong?

I think it's okay to have different viewpoints on some issues.As long as you continue to walk closely to God, and desire Him, with all your heart mind and soul, And obey Him, in whatever He asks of you, then it is enough.

Again, I might be wrong.Again, there might be a need to clarify things and stand on one side or the other.
But right now, I just don't find the need to do so.It's not making me feel any better.

So God, if I'm wrong, please correct me.And help to stay humble, always,because I could always be wrong in things like this.