Saturday, 7 September 2013

Running Away

I am repeating this so many times untill I myself also sien already.
I'm pretty sure the listener is also bored with hearing the same thing.

I feel so emo now.

I wanna SCREAM VERY LOUD AT EVERYONE, telling them to leave me alone.
I'm so tired, so so tired.Not physically tired, but descriptively tired, of saying the same old thing, same old sentence.
I wanna leave.
I wanna leave.
I wanna leave.

I'm pretty sure I've blog about this before too.

I'm pretty sure I started talking about leaving since like last year= nine months= approx 270 days.

But I cannot leave.Because I have to consider  A LOT of things.
And my Abba have not given me a concrete answer yet.

Side A's arguments are  :
You need to go to a church who can give you spiritual food, solid food for you to grow.
You cant go to church and still come back unshaken,unchanged.

Side B's arguments are:
You Are harbouring UNHEALTHY Feelings.
This might be Satan's influence.
You are just talking about your 'FEELING'. We should base our belief in faith, not feeling.
Everyone else thinks that this is a good church, you ARE the exception.
*all fingers pointing at me*

Listening to them just makes me so tired.
I feel like closing my ears so that I wont be influenced by them.
I say pray, how many, just how many of you shut up your mouth and said
' Okay, I will pray together with you and wait upon the Lord to see what is His answer.'
I daresay, none.
But maybe it is human nature, to have one's opinion and to argue in a way that I should support whatever your belief is.

But, I dont need that, all of that.Do you understand?
I've been through the arguments 1000times, I dont need to hear them again.
I dislike the defensive expressions when I voiced out that I have a PROBLEM with my church life.

So what?You'd rather I keep quiet?
Truth is, I can't.I just am not the type to retreat quietly into the shadows and never to be heard of again.
I wanna openup.If i have a problem, I have a problem.
I don't wanna act so holy and fake as though I am satisfied with my life, my church life.

Awesome aint it?

So what if I leave, where can I go?Or which can I go?
And I know Mum will not be following me.
Also, I have not really heard it, final, confirmed, from Father that I must/need to leave and go elsewhere.

But if I dont leave, every week I'm dragging myself.
Every Sunday I sit at the chair, fidgeting.Unable to concentrate.
Angry because I feel forced to attend.
Pissed because I feel so empty there.Like, whaaaaa?nothing is happening here kinda feeling.
Sigh.Another time I use the word 'I feel' and I'm gonna be attacked again.

I'm so tired.
It's as if I can't use the word 'feel'.
Then what?
If I dont feel, then what?
If you dont feel, will you be able to do anything?

If you FEEL hungry, will you eat?
If you FEEL cold, will you wear a jacket?
If you FEEL tired, will you rest?

So don't tell me I should not FEEL, because it is illogical.
If I omit the word 'FEEL', things will not work.
Either way, it's impossible.

I just don't understand, what is God planning now?
Sigh.I wanna peek into His plan's, see things from His view, just this once.