First Blog Post 2015

Dear Blog,

I can't believe it----well maybe I can. Such a long time, since I last visited and penned down my thoughts, on this blog.

Initially wanted to find a space to rant again, the little rebel inside of me is screaming and raging at the world. Yes, you got it right. I'm pissed. More than pissed. And I thought I'm gonna write (or type)  my heart out into this little space.

So I came, and read through my blog posts. Haha. Seemed like the year 2014 Michele is a different creature from the current Michele right now.
Where has that Michele gone? It seems like the Michele then is much more mature, more composed, more trusting.

Sigh.

Ok, maybe it's because I'm just feeling angry, pissed off, volcanoic ( root word : volcano ).
Anyway, I got lazy at typing the whole story out, I'm just gonna sign off and watch a drama or so on Youtube.
And hopefully, wake up tomorrow to a better day.

Palm Sunday 2014

The blood.
I never knew the blood of Jesus Christ meant so much till today.
By His blood, I am saved. There's life in His blood. I repeat, Life in His Blood.
Only His Blood, gives us spiritual life. Renewing us, sanctifying us, reconciling us to God.
Only by Blood, can sins be forgiven, that's why He is the atonement sacrifice.

Hebrews 9:22 In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

It's it through faith in his blood that we are saved, forgiven, cleansed.

Please listen to this song-O the Blood as you reflect on the sacrifice made for us on the cross.

Who Am I?

In Christ, I am saved by grace through faith.( Eph 2:8-9)
In Christ, I am forgiven and made righteous. (2 Corithians 5:21)
In Christ, I am a new creation.( 2 Corinth 5:17)
In Christ, there is no condemnation. ( Rom 8:1)
In Christ, I am justified and have peace with God.( Rom 5:1)
In Christ, I am his workmanship-created to do good works (Eph 2:10)
In Christ, I am chosen and made holy to proclaim His excellency. (1 Peter 2:9)
In Christ, I am a child of God.(John 1:12)
In Christ, you are a fruit bearer (John 15:5)
In Christ, I am sealed with the Holy Spirit (2 Corinth 1:22)
In Christ, I am to be his witness to the world (Acts 1:8)
In Christ, I am given a sprit of power, of love and a sound mind.( 2 Tim 1:7)
In Christ, I am equipped to live out His word.(James 1:22)
In Christ, I choose peace over anxiety (Phillipans 4:6)
In Christ, I can boldly approach God in prayer knowing He hears (1John 5:14-15)
In Christ, I am an overcomer (1 John 4:4)
In Christ, I am helped by the Spirit (Rom 8:26)

I have the mind of Christ. (1Corith 1:16)
I have a God who is strong and provides grace to sustain me. (2 Corinth 12:10)
I am a heir of God.(Gal 4:1-7)
I am set free by Christ alone.( Gal 5:1)
I am redemmed through His blood.I am a part of God's plan for the fullness of time to unite all things to Christ. I am given an eternal hope. I am sealed with the promised Holy Spirit and given a seat in the heavenly places with my name on it.(Ephesians 1: 3-14)
I am His beloved.(Eph 5:1-2)
I am compelled and strengthened by God's grace to do good works and to be a light in the dark world.(Phillipians 2:12-18)
I am delivered from the domain of darkness and transferred to the Kingdom of the Son, presented to the Father as holy and blameless. (col 1:13-23)

Quiet!Be Still!(Mark 4:39)

God, don't you care if I drown?


I feel an overwhelming sense of confidence that of course!My Jesus cares!
Of course, My Jesus will not allow me to drown.
Of course, My Jesus controls the winds, waves, the storm...

What more should I fear?The exam?the stress?The reading?The memorising?
No,Nothing. Nothing can ever separate me from the loveGod.


So why am I so afraid?Worried?
The fear of not covering enough subject matter is crippling, paralysing my being, affecting my work everyday. So many What-If's.
What id I studied this, but that came out instead?What if I fall sick the entire day before exam again?What if I am not able to memorise the parts that are needed for me to remember?
What if..

See?It's bringing me nowhere.Really?Michele?Really?Is that what you want?
To place my confidence and trust in things on earth?These things that may be gone the very next instant?
To trust the amount of books I've read, or the essays I've written, or the cases that I've memorised?Really?
All these????????


All these will surely fail me.
Something might happen.My memory might fail me.My notes could be wrong.(It has happened!)
Essay writing could never prepare me for the exact question that is to come out in exams.

Yet, above all else, my God will never fail me.NEVER.
HE stands beside me, in the storm.He orders the storm to stop,and be quiet.
He speaks into all kinds of storm that I have in my life right now.
The constant rushing.The constant stress.The pressure.
How sad.My life does not revolve around all these!!!!
My life revolves around Him!The Him of the universe!
And yet, how of little faith I am.
To be reminded again and again and to forget again and again.
My God loves me!He loves me.
Doesnt that explain somehting?that He cares for me?More than Birds or flowers?


Therefore, He will be my shepherd, and I, his lamb.
He will lead me by still waters, stand beside me, alongside me, embrace me, assure me.
Through the storm.
All storms.Any storm in my life.

He shouts out in to the waves, and say, Quiet!Be still!And the storm obeys Him.
Therefore, when He says, Quiet, Be still! Into my busy havoc, rushing, messed up life.'
I will be still, and know that He is God.


Because, In Him.We live.And move.And have our being.Acts 17:28

Sovereign

Sovereign.
Something important to remember , and to realize, in times like this.

Sovereign by Chris Tomlin is my current favourite song.
That my God reigns. He reigns, He is sovereign over my life, my future, and everything else.
So I can trust Him, and I will trust Him.
I love how the song first affirms that He is trustworthy, that I can trust Him.
He is qualified for my trust, because He is God.
And then later the song changes into: I will trust You.
That is taking a positive step, making a choice, saying I will trust Him.
Such a lovely song, speaks depth of truth applicable in my life.



Sovereign in the mountain air, sovereign on the ocean floor,
With me in the calm, with me in the storm.

Sovereign in my greatest joy, sovereign in my greatest cry,
With me in the dark, with me at the dawn.

In your everlasting arms, all the pieces of my life,
From beginning to the end, I can trust You.

In your never failing love, You work everything for good,
God whatever comes my way, I will trust You.

All my hopes,all my fears, all I need, all I am, all of me, all my dreams,
Held in Your hands, I will trust You.

Perseverance

*Cries*
Another point in life where I felt like crying and shouting, 'I dont wanna be in this situation/position lah!'

                                                                XXXX

Seriously, little things in life stress me up. Esp when I realise that on my own, I will not be able to balance the tasks on my hands and produce a near perfect result.
I don't know why am I like that.
Why can't I just buat-buat selamba, and not care. Whatever happens, happens lah.
Psst..I'm pretty sure lots of people in this world ( if not Malaysia) are like that.
But I cannot lah!

So I was learning this new song,"The Gospel was Promised" by Sovereign Grace for CF's worship tomorrow.
And then I listened and listened and listened and listened and listened and listened......yea, you get it.

And then I started thinking about next week's worship.Like, who's gonna be the worship leader?
Coz I'm the one who's supposed to arrange the worship schedule, and trust me, on a human human side of me, it's easier for me to read ten law books(really thick ones) than to ask , invite them(ultra-politely) or to persuade them to worhsip lead. I repeat, THAN TO PERSUADE MY FRIENDS TO WORSHIP LEAD.
=.=
So susah one lah.
All sort of reasons everytime i approach them: Got class lah, cannot sing lah, choose someone else lah.bla bla bla
And then I got angry thinking about my seemingly huge task..
Yeah that's me.
hahahaha.yes lah I know I get angry at almost every and anything okay.
And I know it's not an elephant-like huge task.It's just to get people to lead worship lah for goodness sake.
But still, I really dont know why lah, WHY??? why me lah.go get someone else to do this schedule lah.Save me a lot of mafan.





And then I'm reminded that I am doing this for God.
For my God. So it's not for the CF, it's not for me, nor for anyone else.
I don't win applause from man, but from God.
And I will work at it with ALL my heart. Colossians 3:23



Oklah, at least now got reason and purpose as to why I'm doing this. Therefore, I will persevere and not complain.
*Victory!*







::

At The Cross

At the Cross

Lord You've searched me 
You know my way 
Even when I fail You 
I know You love me 

Your holy presence 
Surrounding me 
In every season 
I know You love me 
I know You love me 

At the cross I bow my knee 
Where Your blood was shed for me 
There's no greater love than this 
You have overcome the grave 
Your glory fills the highest place 
What can separate me now 

You go before me 
You shield my way 
Your hand upholds me 
I know You love me 

You tore the veil 
You made a way 
When You said that it is done 

And when the earth fades 
Falls from my eyes 
And You stand before me 
I know You love me 
I know You love me

                                                                    XXXX

I once went to a church, and was told to not sing Contemporary Christian Music.

Well, for reasons which I can understand, together with the good intentions behind it.

And I thought about it, and decided to not fight nor argue about it, because it isn't gonna make the situation better.And I might end up getting confused.

Some things need not be fought over. In cases like these, both parties are earnestly trying to decipher what the Lord wants, each trying their best to please Him, whatever the words they sing.

Whether it comes from Psalms, or the Proverbs or anywhere else.

I decided the best thing I could do now is to not argue about these trivial things because we have a greater mission to accomplish, that is to LOVE one another.

Hate the brokenness and the hurt after a dispute.Always seem to form cracks to our relationship. =(

Christian Woman, Pursue Christ Alone

source: Christian Woman, Pursue Christ Alone by Lauren Minor.

Disclaimer: Of course this article is not by me, Michele. I'm not that smart.HAHA But I'm posting it here on my personal blog,so that I can be reminded of my ultimate focus, that is, in Christ alone. Bearing in mind that I might get sidetracked of the things I want to do, feel like doing or thought of doing in the long run, this article will serve as a good reminder, I hope.=)





As a teenager and young college student, my life was very much consumed with people giving me advice about relationships.  

I didn’t want to be focused on finding a Christian guy to ‘pursue me’, but I was sent a message that I should be. The more women told me, “God will bring you a man if that’s your desire,” the harder it was to set my mind on things above, not on earthly things.

Waiting on a man gives our faith a very “me-centered” focus. All of a sudden it’s about God providing ME with a relationship…God providing ME with a happily ever after. And while He is fully capable of providing both of these things, it is not the picture of submission to Him we see in Scripture, nor is it the goal of our faith. 

The pressures of an ideal relationship and potential marriage cause girls to make lists of qualities they want in a guy (I’ve been guilty of this). Because apparently the God who created us, who is “intimately acquainted with all we do” (Psalm 139:3), needs us to give Him a little reminder sometimes of what we’re attracted to. And as if that isn’t bad enough, girls pray over their lists…instead of spending time praying for those who don’t know their Savior. I could be mis-interpreting Christian books I’ve read, but I’m pretty sure one of them encouraged me to do this.  When did Christianity become about ME?

Our purpose is all about HIM. Allow Him to use you in whatever way you can be the most fruitful in your fleeting time here on earth. Trust me (no, trust Him), He knows the desires of your heart. But our utmost desire should be to serve Him, not for Him to serve us. We were created to glorify God, make much of His name, and enjoy a personal relationship with Him. 

Our calling given in Scripture is to GO and make disciples. Over and over we’re told to share the love that we’ve received with those who don’t know of the hope we profess. We’re also told that God will equip us with all we need to accomplish His purpose here on earth. Yet a message is being sent to young women and youth saying, “Don’t WORRY girls…God will show you who your husband is going to be. Wait on God for him.” And yes, of course we are called to wait on the Lord, but specifically waiting for a GUY is different. 

If we trust in the Lord and have full assurance in His ability to provide, then we should GO and make disciples, knowing that if we will be the most fruitful in a relationship leading to marriage then He will make that clear. And if we are to be single our whole lives because we can accomplish His purpose more effectively that way, then that is what we are to do.

Waiting on the Lord does not mean waiting for Him to provide us with OUR desires. It means being faithful to our calling in Scripture and allowing Him to provide the rest. Christian girls need to hear a new message. Our God is so much bigger than the little genie we like to make Him sometimes. We like to think of Him as someone we can go to when we need a favor or need assurance that someday something will happen. This is so far from our purpose.

Be obedient to His purpose for your life, and He will equip you with all you need in doing so. He wants us to lead fulfilled lives. He wants what’s best for us…and that’s HIM.  The most loving thing He will do is move us to a place where we cherish Him more than anything else. So why are we still chasing worldly things? Sometimes our desires reflect a worship of the created over the creator. 

We cannot seek our highest satisfaction in anything of this world. 

It’s destructive to the human soul to take a created thing and make it an ultimate thing. I think a better line than “Do you trust God with the pen of your love story?” would be “Do you trust God with the pen of your life? Will you be completely fulfilled in your love relationship with HIM and allow Him to decide what comes next?”

“So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:31-33)

We don't delight ourselves in the Lord in order to get something else, just like we don't seek first the kingdom to then gain something in return. We have an eternal hope and joy, so why settle for a temporary one?

As a wife I’m held to the same call I was before: glorify God and make much of His name.I have been given a partner in this journey, but my aim and ultimate goal remains the same. I realize my ultimate satisfaction can be found in Christ alone. As a wife, I finally see the importance of girls pursuing Christ in their singleness, so that they can be intimately acquainted with Him in their marriages as well. 

Marriage is the most amazing thing I’ve ever known because I get to see my husband how he is behind closed doors when no one is watching. I see him cry over lost people, find him buried in our closet praying, and hear him asking God every day to make him into a more Godly man. I see his PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, and I want it. I want to know God more because of how Austin knows Him.We must know how to individually pursue Jesus now, so that we’re still pursuing Him in our future.

SEEK FIRST HIS KINGDOM and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Lord I pray that you would be our utmost desire. More of You, a walk with You daily, a higher satisfaction in You... 

Amen. 

The Reason Why I'm doing these..

As I plan and prepare for the BACChristmas Party, I have to remind myself,over and over again, that I should not complain.
Despite the fact that college has never called my number so many times over the span of one week, and I've never so faithfully checked and replied almost every post in our Facebook group.
And that I've never used WhatsApp so much in my life.
I just didn't like that I had to check and lias with everyone. Going early to meet and discuss the event with the management team, pasting posters all over, listening to rude comments, and putting up a brave front to invite the staff from college.Like, personally going around and inviting them.
(Fortunate to have a friend doing it with me, else my legs might have turned jelly-o once I step into staffroom)


 So I have to remind myself, that I'm not doing this for the CF, the college, or my friends.I'm doing it for God. My focus is on God and God alone. ;)

7 lies about Christianity, which Christians believe.

I find this article interesting, and decided to imprint it in my blog for future purpose.Of course, i take no credit,and it's taken from http://sojo.net/blogs/2013/12/03/seven-lies-about-christianity-which-christians-believe

Christianity is great, but not everything we say or believe about it is necessarily true. Here are the most common stereotypes that Christians have about Christianity that are wrong:

You’re Always Happy:There’s an unhealthy expectation within many faith communities that we’re always supposed to be joyful, as if being anything other than a smiling, peaceful, and jolly spiritual cheerleader is detrimental to Christianity.

“Being a good witness” is often the Christian way of saying, “act the part.” But while contentment and happiness is a spiritual virtue, it should never come at the expense of honesty, transparency, and truthfulness. We shouldn’t pretend to be happy and use the facade of joy as an evangelism tool. 

God desires reconciliation and renewal, and this often means confronting broken relationships and dealing with sin within our lives. Asking for forgiveness, admitting addiction, confronting abuse, seeking justice, requesting help, and serving others often makes you the opposite of happy — and that’s OK.

There’s a season for everything, and some of life’s most important, loving, and holy moments are times of trial, sorrow, and sadness — so let’s stop trying to turn Christianity into something it was never meant to be. 

Your Problems Will Disappear: Some people use Christianity as a form of escapism, a crutch, and a way to avoid the pain, suffering, and struggles of life. But at the center of Jesus’ life and teaching is (again) the concept of truth. Christianity isn’t about ignoring reality but embracing it, engaging the real world and all the baggage that comes with it.

In many ways, following Jesus causes us to accept — and confront — the facts, whether they are good or bad. We shouldn’t hide or pretend or ignore difficulties, but address them.  

A faith in Christ requires honesty and bravery, and it demands sacrifice, service, and heartbreak. The New Testament shows us that Jesus’ disciples faced even more problems when they decided to follow him: persecution, poverty, and ultimately martyrdom.

No, our problems won’t disappear, but a relationship with God is worth the accompanying struggles that may come with it.

You’ll Be “Blessed”:  If you’re seeking wealth, prosperity, comfort, and security, Christianity isn’t the place to go. 

Contrary to our consumer tendencies, Jesus’ teachings continually instruct believers to sacrifice and be willing to give everything away for the sake of loving others. The disciples of Jesus lived a dangerous and hard life that continually relied on the hospitality and generosity of others. They often ended up in jail or were even killed because of their faith. 

Some of the most holy and righteous people I know have lives that are extremely rough and filled with all sorts of trouble. Disease, sickness, poverty, crime, abuse, and a litany of other horrible things happen to good people — even Christians who passionately love God. 

Does this mean that they don’t trust God enough or aren’t being good Christians? No! Our faith isn’t a pathway toward gaining an array of physical, financial, or social blessings — it’s not a formula for worldly success, so let’s stop treating it like one.

Missions and Ministry Is Fun and Rewarding: Don’t get me wrong, it often is rewarding, but from the time we’re in Sunday school throughout high school and college, and even as adults, we’re told that “missions” and “ministry” and “evangelism” is fun, exciting, and rewarding. We go on exotic mission trips, work at car washes to raise money for local charities, and spend a day volunteering at the homeless shelter. Most of us then have the luxury of going home, back to our “regular” lives.

Missions and ministry is hard work. There’s a reason the burnout rate is absurdly high for people whose primary vocation is ministry-related. Pastors and missionaries are considered high-risk candidates within the medical community because of their susceptibility to addiction, stress, and abuse. It’s not an easy life.

Being a full-time missionary and minister requires constant service, with very little recognition and plenty of conflict. Combine this with long hours, low pay, and hardly any respectability, and it’s an existence that few can handle. 

But within our churches and Christian institutions, we glorify the idea of serving others without presenting an accurate or truthful picture of what it really looks like or requires from us. Instead of telling the horror stories of relational conflict, emotional pain, and physical turmoil, we’re fed stories of revival, spiritual renewal, and miraculous wonders. That’s great, but in many cases it gives us false expectations of what ministry honestly looks like.

We need to start portraying ministry accurately instead of marketing it as some sort of superficial fun-filled adventure. And for those already within ministry, we need to give them all the support and encouragement they deserve.

All Your Questions Will Be Answered: Christianity is full of doubt, uncertainty, nuance, and complexity. There are very few clear answers, and the ones that exist are debated among hundreds of theologians. For those seeking resolutions to life’s deepest questions and mysteries, Christianity will provide some clarity, but ultimately it leaves much to the imagination.

As believers, we need to start accepting the fact that we don’t know everything. When we try to turn the Bible into a set of answers to all of the world’s challenges and questions, we end up manipulating the message of Christ and forming it into our own agendas just to appease our curiosity or quell the objections of others.

The Christian Community Is Great: Many people leave the Christian faith not because they hate Jesus, but because they hate the people who represent him. Christians hurt people. They fight, argue, yell, scream, and do horrible things. 

Nobody knows this better than Christians themselves, who routinely suffer through denominational splits, church infighting, community gossip, and an avalanche of interpersonal conflicts.

Christians aren’t better than anyone else. The divorce rates, crime rates, and other “moral” comparative data show little difference between them and the rest of the world. So let’s stop pretending Christians have the market corner on what’s right and wrong. 

We need to start listening and talking with others instead of self-righteously judging and convicting others. There’s a reason why you can’t look across a mall and point out who’s a Christian and who isn’t — because there’s no noticeable difference.

It Makes You Better Than Others:This is the hardest truth for Christians to swallow, that they aren’t any better than anyone else. In fact, Jesus continually tried to instill the virtues of humility and humbleness throughout his ministry, repeatedly trying to teach his followers that everyone was loved by God, regardless of social, financial, or spiritual status.

When we see ourselves as superior, we become like the Pharisees, who craved power and control and authority. But God, the ruler of the world, made himself nothing, and died on a cross for the sake of others — for the sake of those who were in the process of murdering him! Are we willing to become nothing for the sake of others, even for those we dislike? 

The problem with romanticizing Christianity is that we turn our faith into a product, using various selling points to make it look more attractive. It’s not that the above headlines are entirely false, it’s just that Christians publicize them as being entirely true. This creates false expectations and idols, and inevitably leads to disappointment and sense of failure.

Instead of promoting Christianity as a set of benefits, we need to promote Christ. In the end, when everything else fails and falls short, Jesus will remain faithful through it all. We can trust him above any form of religion we attempt to turn Christianity into.

Stephen Mattson has contributed for Relevant Magazine and the Burnside Writer's Collective, and studied Youth Ministry at the Moody Bible Institute. He is now on staff at Northwestern College in St. Paul, Minn. Follow him on Twitter @mikta.

Photo: Dennis Kuvaev/Shutterstock

Ending 2013, 20 going on 21

I think it's sad.That I'm gonna be 21 soon.
It's too old.I wanna stay as young as possible. Okay, not really as young as possible, but maybe stay 19, or 20, for another two years or more.
Growing up means, well, growing older, (supposedly) wiser.
I mean, of course, I wanna grow wiser, I just don't like that age is a factor.
How nice, if it really does happen, if i could stay 20 for another year.Really, time passes too fast.
Can't grasp it, can't make it stay, can't make it wait for me.
The last entry made on my diary was 2nd December13, and today when I write my next entry, it's 6th.
SIXTH!!!The first week of December gone.
Really, sometimes, I wished I could pray things like: God, please just slow down the time. Or, turn back the clock.
I wanna enjoy every moment, every second of my life.
I still believe life is beautiful, made for us to treasure every moment that comes with it.


But sometimes, looking at the pile of books, articles, essays and notes waiting for me to at the very least, flip the pages, makes me feel so *ugh.
Like why, why can't I just sit down, get a cup of hot chocolate, cross my legs on the table, and savor them, like how I used to do with novels. I miss those moments.
Of reading and absorbing every word in Enid Blyton's series.
Imagining the pixies running around with mushrooms as their umbrellas, of the wishing chair, of queer little Moonface, of the Enchanted Woods.
Just really sad. How I miss those times.
Rather than rushing through my textbooks, the subject guides, case judgements, I really want to sit down and enjoy them.=(

#Rant Post

You know, I never really get to find out why do people always say, 'Reading law' instead of 'Studying Law'.
I think the word 'studying' requires a higher standard of input into the brain than mere 'reading'.
Like when I read something related to law, there is a need to analyse and evaluate.
Sigh.
I think I actually like doing that-connecting pictures, diagrams, words. If not for the time limit, I would enjoy them all .
Whatever it is, sometimes, when I'm in my right state of mind, then I'll tell myself that I've gotta enjoy this process.No matter that. Since I'm already in here, in this mess.  Road to success.Bwahhahaha..Optimistic.



*cross fingers*  I hope my Samsung phone is okay, and in one-piece, when it comes back to me.
Don't ask me why I bought a Samsung.I'm pretty sure i made it clear to everyone that I've set my eyes on a Lenovo s890.
Then , I walked into Summit, determined to buy just that, and the salesperson was like 'Why don't you get HuaWei, the best brand in China?Lenovo is also made in China you know bla bla bla.'
And then they were promoting s3, which is also on sale.
And then.......after much walking and discussion, and surveying, and talking, and looking at phones of different models,I decided to just go back and BUY THE PHONE LAH.
But it wasn't a Lenovo cause the salesperson does not sell screen protector for the model I wanted.
He wanted to charge me RM100 for the cover.=.=
Which I did'nt buy because I feel cheated.
So I bought the s3.

And Then, I discovered (when i reached home), that the camera was faulty.=.=
And I discovered, a tad too late, that stupid SAMSUNG doesnt do a one to one exchange.They would only repair it.
I mean it's like so unfair, it was their negligence in manufacturing a faulty product and I can't exchange for a new phone.It isn't even like I got it as a gift,  I bought it with MONEY.
Just so pissed off the entire day.
Sigh, whatever la, repair pun repair la.
No use stressing and being angry liao right?
 I just need to complain here.
I don't understand why is it I always kena for buying faulty electronic stuff.=(

Running Away

I am repeating this so many times untill I myself also sien already.
I'm pretty sure the listener is also bored with hearing the same thing.

I feel so emo now.

I wanna SCREAM VERY LOUD AT EVERYONE, telling them to leave me alone.
I'm so tired, so so tired.Not physically tired, but descriptively tired, of saying the same old thing, same old sentence.
I wanna leave.
I wanna leave.
I wanna leave.
I WANNA LEAVE!


I'm pretty sure I've blog about this before too.


I'm pretty sure I started talking about leaving since like last year= nine months= approx 270 days.

But I cannot leave.Because I have to consider  A LOT of things.
And my Abba have not given me a concrete answer yet.


Side A's arguments are  :
You need to go to a church who can give you spiritual food, solid food for you to grow.
You cant go to church and still come back unshaken,unchanged.



Side B's arguments are:
You Are harbouring UNHEALTHY Feelings.
This might be Satan's influence.
You are just talking about your 'FEELING'. We should base our belief in faith, not feeling.
Everyone else thinks that this is a good church, you ARE the exception.
*all fingers pointing at me*




Listening to them just makes me so tired.
I feel like closing my ears so that I wont be influenced by them.
I say pray, how many, just how many of you shut up your mouth and said
' Okay, I will pray together with you and wait upon the Lord to see what is His answer.'
HOW MANY OF YOU DID THAT.
I daresay, none.
But maybe it is human nature, to have one's opinion and to argue in a way that I should support whatever your belief is.


But, I dont need that, all of that.Do you understand?
I've been through the arguments 1000times, I dont need to hear them again.
I dislike the defensive expressions when I voiced out that I have a PROBLEM with my church life.



So what?You'd rather I keep quiet?
Truth is, I can't.I just am not the type to retreat quietly into the shadows and never to be heard of again.
I wanna openup.If i have a problem, I have a problem.
I don't wanna act so holy and fake as though I am satisfied with my life, my church life.




Awesome aint it?

So what if I leave, where can I go?Or which can I go?
Transport?
And I know Mum will not be following me.
Also, I have not really heard it, final, confirmed, from Father that I must/need to leave and go elsewhere.



But if I dont leave, every week I'm dragging myself.
Every Sunday I sit at the chair, fidgeting.Unable to concentrate.
Angry because I feel forced to attend.
Pissed because I feel so empty there.Like, whaaaaa?nothing is happening here kinda feeling.
Sigh.Another time I use the word 'I feel' and I'm gonna be attacked again.



I'm so tired.
It's as if I can't use the word 'feel'.
Then what?
If I dont feel, then what?
If you dont feel, will you be able to do anything?


If you FEEL hungry, will you eat?
If you FEEL cold, will you wear a jacket?
If you FEEL tired, will you rest?


So don't tell me I should not FEEL, because it is illogical.
If I omit the word 'FEEL', things will not work.
Either way, it's impossible.



I just don't understand, what is God planning now?
Sigh.I wanna peek into His plan's, see things from His view, just this once.

God, I need you!

Help me.
I need strength to endure through each hardships.
To endure through the workload, the stress and pressure.
Father God, I need you.
I need to be patient, be cool, loving and forgiving.
Help me not to harbour any unforgivingness and hatred in my heart.



Sigh.
Everyday, I tell them, I wanna resign.
Please just go and find someone else.
Everyday I find myself still going to the office.
Sigh.




Everyday, I tell myself that I must be patient and not get angry over anything.
And in the morning, I would still be able to keep my cool.
Few harsh words and I'm ready to call it quits.
Really.


And the workload keep piling up.
I feel like spitefully leaving them and then watch them DIE.
Watch how they suffer under the heavy worload which will be heavier after Jessie and I leave.


And then,
I thought they are pitiful too.They themselves are already working non stop till late night.
Sometimes I wonder, such good business and so much havoc within the internal system and it still works fine overall.
God really blessed this company.So much!!


But then again, I remind myself that it is God's provision for me to work here.
And I say, draw strength from Him.

What's Happening Now

I feel like I needed to talk to God, after not talking to Him for such a  long time.
But I felt like typing it out, instead of writing it in my diary or voicing it out as a prayer.
So here you go.

I really have a bad sore throat(I guess all sore throats hurts mad).
And it really is uncomfortable because every time I swallow, even my own air liur, it hurts!!!
And I've taken about the entire pack of Strepsils, a bottle of hundred plus and a cup of honey lemon.
And also 2 lozenges,and, there is no improvement.==


I feel bored, or rather, hectic, not in the studying hectic style, but working hectic style.
Hectic working style differs in that you know you have things to do which will keep you occupied the entire day.And best part?
Its the same everyday.A routine.
Wake up, bathe. eat, work, bathe, eat, sleep, wakeup, bathe, eat, work, bathe, eat, sleep........
You get the picture.
Nothing exciting but sufficient to allow stress to seep into my daily life because of the WORKLOAD.

Sigh.
I have a weakness, which is that whatever I feel whether happy, angry or stressed will be displayed on my face.
Like I cant hide it at all.
and I don't like it!!


And I'm actually kinda tired that everyday I go to work and someone or something would happen to make me feel angry.
Like this egoistic guy who never admits his mistake, and this weird person who does not understand what I communicate over Skype and I would repeat n repeat that I dont have it, and she would repeat and repeat that she wants me to email to her.WhaaaaAT!*throws hand up in the air*
And illogical customers that comes in last minute like a half hour before we close with a handful of enrollments for us to key in.He actually started arranging the forms on the long desk and it was a horrifying sight.(For me la)
I'm not even kidding!!!
Or people who thinks that I am free and requests for me multitask.
I mean I will do it if I could, but I only have one pair of eyes.
I cant do both things which require my eyesight at once!
Then I would get angry because I think it's inhuman and illogical.


See, I get pissed off at about everything.
But I guess it's just human that I'm dealing with.
Oh and the workload is mosome awesome much.
Like you know before you strat that you would never ever be able to finish them.
I mean, it's logical the amount of task you could do at hand, two months into being an admin clerk/cs/phone receiver/storekeeper and you could actually know how much you could or cannot do.
So it's stupid to keep piling work on us.



There, I've said it all.
Didnt I say earlier that it would be safer for me to write in my diary?
But I'm so lazy to get it.


Then again, everyday I remind myself that I cant get angry over petty things.
I'm just working for two months, TWO GOOD WHOLESOME months!
And I membebel dan meng-complain non-stop.
How can, Michele?!?!
Aiyoh.



Just do my part, everyday I'm telling myself that, and everyday I forgot about that when something happens to spark off aku punya anger.Apalah ni.
Today one of my colleague was kinda saying that I am different from when I first came in.
Probably looked more stressed up now than then.
And sigh, everyday I tell myself that Im just working to get pocket money and my commitment towards company is not long term and nor is my affection for company deep enough to get me upset over stupid systems.It's holiday yo, I'm suppose to enjoy them!!




Sigh sigh sigh.Big big sigh.




At this point of time, I'm pretty sure all my close friends who read this will comment that this is style Michele untuk bercomplain.
Ok la I dont deny that la okay.



But lemme reminicise on the good aspects.
Which is that food is plentiful and sufficient, as in my manager or even customers would buy food for us, hailing for Ipoh, Penang and own backyard(fruits).
So you see, they are quite generous in feeding us.
Then also, the attitude of the people are actually pretty nice.
I mean they are not like what I firstly imagined them to be, the rude, gossipy, blackhearted bully style.
They are not like that lo...


Okayla.my eyelids are drooping already.
I;ve decided tomorrow is a new day I'm gonna remind myself not to be stressed, regardless of what happened.
I will be strong, and ask God to fill me with enough love to cover all the weakness of people around me.

Work Life 1

Read my girlfriend's blogpost and felt like writing one too.
Except that all her complaints has got a positive, bright side to it.
And all my complaints are just well, plain complaints.




But I guess after ranting it out to my bestie on the phone,
and chatting with my sister on Facebook, it seems like it was all planned.
All the challenges I faced at work was to help me become a stronger person.
Btw, nobody wants to go out with me,to shop and relax and look around things.Sad case =(


Okay, I can't really say I love all the conflicts in my working place, the gossips and stress.
But I tell you, only these can draw me closer to God.When things go wrong, I needed to vent my frus to God.
Like I havent been talking to God for a month now.
Because I was just too busy.
Life's a routine.Wake up, work, reach home, rest, sleep.
And the cycle repeats.
I mean there were some positive points about my working place.
But it's the most challenging job I have as of now.
I have NEVER gone off sharp at 7pm which is the end of my working time.
Never.
Plus stayed EVERY Saturday for overtime.
And, READ my company mails even on Sun.


Considering I'm doing temporary, plus Im student working for pocket money, not attachment.


Ok, I really feel like I've done more than I should and then I feel like stopping.
Go back to being not too responsible, maybe lazier and act stupid.
But I have to remind myself to do my best, God is watching,I mean, God knows, even when human doesnt appreciate.
I tell you, they not only do not appreciate, they put more stuff onto your shoulder the moment they see your capabilities.
I mean, I'm already going beyond what I was contracted to do, and yet they piled more stuffs on me.



Okay, you see my post turned into something like a 'complaints' post again.
I shall stop here.
If anything happier happens I will post here.=)

Nothing is Impossible with God

I love today's devotion and that little story that comes with it.
The little boy is so creative and smart.
He must have stunned the high-nose scholar.Watch out for the boy, and more, for the powerful God I serve.

Nothing is Impossible With God
Gwen Smith

Today’s Truth

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left (Exodus 14:21-22, NIV).

Friend to Friend

A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God. “Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!” he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.       

Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling himself very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.         

“Hey” asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, “Don’t you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle.”         

The enlightened man laughed lightly, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the “realities” of the miracles of the Bible. “That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholars have shown that the Red Sea in that area was only ten inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across.         

The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. He had taken only two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.         

“Wow!” exclaimed the boy happily, “God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in ten inches of water!”         

The Old Testament book of Exodus shows, over and over again, that nothing is impossible with God. Nothing! Moses was an ordinary man who was chosen by God to do an extraordinary task. On the far side of the desert in Midian, high on the mountain of God, Moses met the LORD face to flame. God appeared to Moses “in flames of fire from within a bush.”          

I would imagine that Moses was probably dirty, sweaty, and stinky from shepherding as he stood on holy ground before the LORD. I’m sure he was keenly aware of his filth and stench, both physically and spiritually. As he slipped off his shoes, he hid his face in fear. Moses did not feel adequate for the assignment that he had been given. He wasn’t confident in his abilities to get the job done. In fact, he even pleaded with God to send someone else! Moses said to God in Exodus 4:10, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”         

  

But God had a plan and Moses was His man. Through ten plagues and many signs and wonders, God flexed his muscles through Moses. Once Pharaoh had finally let God’s people go, Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt. No compass was necessary. God led His people through the desert with a pillar of clouds by day and a pillar of fire by night. It must have been an amazing sight. It must have been thrilling…up until the point where Pharaoh’s army was closing in on them as they approached the Red Sea. Talk about being faced with a seemingly impossible situation! Moses and around two million of his closest Hebrew friends stood at the edge of the water with nowhere to go. They were trapped. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD (Exodus 14:10). BUT GOD! God was on time for the miracle show. He had a plan. He made a way. Nothing is too difficult for God!           

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today…The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:13). God purposed this extravagant rescue for His glory. The Lord will fight for you. When God is on our side, fighting for us, we can certainly be assured of victory!          

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left (Exodus 14:21-22).          

The Israelites were saved, and Pharaoh’s army was destroyed - all under the watchful eyes of the LORD. God wanted to be glorified through a seemingly impossible situation. He wants to be glorified through the difficult situations that you face, too. If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31) When we stand with Christ, we stand with power. What Red Sea are you facing? Nothing is impossible with God. When you set aside your doubts and call on the name of the LORD, you can face the waters of your circumstances with a strong confidence, knowing that God is able and willing to do great things in and through you. Continue to follow the pillars of cloud and of fire of God's leading. You have a chance to bring God the glory of which He is so deserving!

Post Exams

Gosh.
The last post dated back to 29th of April.
APRIL!!!!!!!!
almost two months ago.


Anyway, a quick update:
Finished my year 1.
YESH!Did you read that?
Nevermind, I'll type it again.


I FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR!

*dance*twist*twirl*jump*squeal

Ok.Last I recall, I blow kissed about 10 marks to my Common Law examiner coz I couldn't finish it on time.
I read the Public Law question wrongly so I think my answer is only half-correct.
Criminal Law was the first paper and I didn't plan my answers properly so there were LOTSA mistake.
Contract law too, I couldnt finish the last question and therefore it was left hanging.
Personally and honestly, I didnt think I presented my very best.As in no-regrets-best.
But I did my human best.And the mistakes were well, mistakes.Human mistakes.HAHA.
Ok.this is crap.so much twisting and turning with the story!
But but but, I still wanna focus on Jesus, focus on my almighty, strong, powerful God.
Because He can do anything.He does what He wills.And I believe everything that is planned or allowed by Him will be the best plan ever, for my life.


And I visited the Kampung Orang Asli in Sungai Rasau to spend time with the children.
And I love them, all of them.
I tell you, the most mature, bestest, kindest,understandest(if there is such a word) is often the poorest.
It need not be the oldest, it could be the youngest.
Their living condition is bad.They live with chickens, like under the same roof,same level!!!!!
By the way, their houses are only one storey high, made of wood.
And really, this girl told me that she doesnt go to school because she doesnt own an alarm clock, therefore she wont be able to wake up.
And as young as she is, maybe 8 or 9 years old, she has to cook for her family, since her mother ran away.
sad case right?=(

But I also love that they are willing to learn, especially English.
I sat down, opened a book and started reading.Pretty soon I am surrounded by the little people.=)
Some of them were even willing to forgo the pizza-making and eating just to hear me read them stories.*touched
And I love it.I love reading to attentive little audiences.
I love that they appreciate the chance to learn and the fact that they want to learn.
Aww.I have this most amazing awwwwww feeling.Haha.

And then, I started work in a nutrition/health drink company.
and so far, I love the customers(tho there are a few bad apples), love my colleagues, love the environment and love the place!
So high-class and comfortable kinda setting.There is even a pantry where drinks, fridge, oven are available.
My colleagues, sad to say, are all guys. But they're pretty nice people (hmm, when they are not busy haha).
And the customers are the best that I've ever seen.Because they bring food for us!!
FOOD!yes FOOOOOOOD.
Like all the way from Penang, Hong Kong bla bla.
Last I counted there were 7 different kind of delicacies from different places.
How awesome!
Oh oh last but not least the salary is sufficiently satisfying.Better than last year's RM 900 per month.(how pathetic = =)


Okay, that's all!!Will update when I have time, or Make time to blog.=)

El Sali-The God of my Strength

Daily in Your Presence(Day 117)

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
MATTHEW 11:29 KJV

FROM THE FATHER'S HEARTMy child, your shoulders are drooping. Have you been trying to carry your own burdens again? Come to Me. My arms are strong. Let Me have your load. We are a team, remember? Relying on your own strength will only propel you into discouragement and physical exhaustion. Meekness is something I will give you, if you will rest in Me.

A GRATEFUL RESPONSELord, most of my yokes are self-made, heavy burdens of my own choosing. I can learn from Your example of meekness. It is not weakness but controlled strength that can carry the world's burdens on its back, all at the same time. Thank You for Your meekness.

SIMPLE TRUTH

When the burdens of life get too heavy to bear, for the rest of the journey, He'll carry us there.

I am delighted.My friend says I dont exhibit that 'stress-ness' like how I used to be months ago.
*eventhough it is seven days away from my exam now*
I read Jim Cymbala's 'Fresh Faith' and decided that I dont wanna let Satan steal that faith away from me.
That childlike trust in my Father to walk by my side and the belief that He controls my future.
The belief that He is with me, will be with me, even as I prepare and study, even as I sit in the exam hall writing furiously for 3 hours.
In law, we learn a lot on foreseeability of the future, like actions of the defendant or the victims.
So I right now apply my knowledge*laughs* and I foresee that in everything that I do, the Lord will be with me.
The Lord does what He wills, and I have faith that everything is in His perfect plans.
I want to have faith in my Father.
I tell you it is a hard thing to do, esp for someone like me, who is a control maniac and a boss-zila.
I like to plan things through and take caution in every step that I take.
But the Lord helps and strengthens, because I am weak in my own strength.

He will see me through this madness.
Life is a mess.Really a mess.
But when I admit my frailty and ask my Father to provide me with strength, He answers.
And I believe that His plans are better than mine. :
Romans 8 :28(NLT)
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Genesis 50:20 (KJV)
But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

(I will persevere, the Lord will work in His time, and I shall see His purpose come to past.)

That was part of what the pastor preached last Sunday.

On a side note, I kinda feel relieved when I express my intention to resign,

I surrender them all to the Lord, they are His sheep.He is the shephard.

I cant do much by worrying.I can only pray.

And the Lord will rescue them, in His time.

Torn Apart---Tears of Frustration

Yes.I visited one of my friend's church.
And honestly, I love.The worship was awesome-r, the message was energy-er, and the youths were talk-able.
Stop stop stop.Don't tell me to not compare.
Because I right now have all the valid reasons to 'shift' church.
All I'm doing now is waiting for God to answer me.

This is bad.
If you ask me personally, I want to change the place where I'm worshiping.
Really, I do.
Okay, I'm a bit agitated now because something happened again.Yes.Again.
See?Too often.I sometimes wonder why am I agitated.Do I even have valid reasons.
Am I the one who has the problem.
Truth is, it has became a task, a mechanical, boring, forced labour.
I feel dreaded to go there.No joy, no love,no peace.
I WANNA GO AWAY.



ISH.STUCK here.Smack in the middle.I want to leave.Everytime I join in, in less than few minutes of talking with them, I wanna bail out already.


Yet on the other hand, sometimes I look at them and they seem pitiful.
Left out, alone.I wanna walk this out with them you know.




So I'm praying, and listening.If God says to stay I will stay.He will give me strength to do so.
But this is it.Right now is another one of those 'frus' moments.